I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
