Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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