did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
