woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
