So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
