my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
