My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
