Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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