I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
In other news, I just burned my penis
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
