just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
