The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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