This is not my ceiling
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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