i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
There's even glitter on my cock...
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