i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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