Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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