i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize