I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
