just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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