so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
