I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Such a big mess for such a small penis
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
