duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
