can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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