Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize