I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize