I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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