Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
