My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
