when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
