everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
