My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
