my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
