wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
