Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
