I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
