We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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