One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
