im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize