I think im going to throw up on grandma
I love having hate sex.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
