Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
