apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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