i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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