Swine flu is the new snow day.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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