Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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