He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
