I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
