So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
