I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize