turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
