we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
BRING THE BAGELS
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
