there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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