If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
