i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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