Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
