Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
