dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
