Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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